Finding my rest as a Mama

It's the middle of the night, 5:21am to be exact and I've been up since 3:30am, that's two hrs of no sleep. Yup, take that in! Picture yourself in my shoes and just take that in, it's like being in the army and being yanked outta your sleep for an important mission. Only thankfully mine doesn't involve bullets or bombs, but it does require a little dying. Let me es'plain...

...quick rabbit trail -- dying to yourself means having to painfully let go of your entitlements. A professional athlete has to let go of their unhealthy eating habits. Big time surgeons gotta have flexible schedules cause they could get called in at any moment to do some important surgery. But all these letting go of entitlements is for a greater purpose. And as a mother (at least one of little ones), it's no different. Most of our entitlements are thrown out the window: Our entitlement to a comfy 9hrs of sleep. Our entitlement to having the freedom of doing whatever we want, whenever we want. Our entitlement of getting a shower on a daily basis or even getting to take your time to savour a meal. The list goes on and I'm sure other mothers will add their biggest ones. And then we try and control things to make life a little more manageable, but that ends up stressing us out even more when things don't go our way. I have to daily fight anxiety, fear, selfishness, the list is endless. In this process though, I've found a greater way of living and it's cause I'm friends with Jesus, master of the universe and my life, and every area of my life that I've given to Him to be master of. Like motherhood. As I've had to let go of things, I've asked Him to give me joy and peace in the midst of it and He has...and then some. And here's the rest of the story of just one example of how He's done this...and there's tons of stuff outta the BIble that talks about us giving up our lives to receive the abundant life that Jesus has for us. And abundant doesn't mean having everything we want right now, haha, it's just so much more than material things. But it's what the Bible calls sanctification - God stripping us of the things our souls and flesh cling to. Our souls and flesh are meant to be fully satisfied in our relationship with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Just see Isaiah 55:1-3 and Matthew 16:24-26, there's also plenty of great resources available on this subject, just email me if you want further info.

So back to 5:21am. I was trying to put Amayah back to sleep for like the third time since she woke up around 3:30am, arms sore from rocking her like a human swing, I was processing the fact that I was losing so much sleep and starting to get really annoyed at her, "just stay asleep Amayah, arrrgghhh!!!" 

Of course she's helpless and has no clue and this congestion is what's really to blame, and what kinda evil mother am I to blame a baby?? But c'mon, you would too!!! So I had a little tantrum to make myself feel better. Didn't last very long.

Then the lyrics to a song played in my head - from Jason upton's song "under the shadow" - "Only in you, I will find my rest..." and it hit me. At that moment I realized I had come to another crossroad of choosing Jesus and what He had for me or choosing what I think I need to make my life better. To choose to find my rest and strength and joy in just Jesus or try and find those things in the sleep I get!! And I realized that's why I've been so frustrated and angry (at Seth or Amayah) is cuz I've been finding those things in the sleep I get instead of my source of those things - Jesus. Then I realized the contentment that zealous martyrs like the apostle Paul or disciple Stephen felt where they were so content in Jesus being literally their everything that what was it to them whether they lived or died? Either way they were in Him!!! To live is Christ, to die is gain. 

So I began to rock her being strengthened by the joy of this truth, the joy of dying to myself and my old ways and picking up life in him!! On a practical level, it's like my soul came alive knowing this truth and then my body felt rejuvenated…His truth really does bring abundant life and freedom. And then I asked Jesus how to remain in this joy and felt like he said "thankfulness" so I began to think of all the things I was thankful for in our little girl and joy began to enter my heart! So god, help me to hold onto this truth and joyously did to myself and fully live in you whether it's 3am or 1pm, I just want more of you and thanks for giving us children - granting us this express ticket  of dying to ourselves!!

A quick update (about a month later from writing this post): I still have to wake up at times and lose sleep but something's changed in my heart from that night. It's like it just doesn't matter anymore, my focus isn't on how much sleep I'm losing but it's thankfulness, I'm thankful I can serve and bless my little girl any time of day. And in the nights, I just consciously thank God for how He's gonna restore my rest. And He actually does. It's at the point where I don't even keep track anymore, I'm just trusting and thanking God in this area. But don't get me wrong, there's moments of exhaustion and frustration!! 

Thanks for taking the time to read my rant, I pray God moves in your life through it! Bless ya,

- tami

children…they have so much to learn, and yet so much to teach us adults

Overcoming Anger

Here I am again...it's kinda nice to update our blog more and more even if no one's paying attention, it's a nice way to track where we've been and where we're going.

So I just wanted to share how I'm overcoming a deep, life long struggle - the big bad wolf of anger.

So growing up I knew I had anger issues and frankly, I was proud of it, I'd show it off to my friends, unleash it to my family, it was great. It had become a dear friend of mine that made me feel great...but that left a trail of wounded people behind me. So as my walk with God got serious and I really wanted to become this so called patient, gentle, joy-filled person He had created me to be, he brought me face to face with a demon I'd had my whole life.

Over the course of a few years, I got healing from my broken relationship with my dad (the root of most of the anger), dealt with the generational stuff of my forefathers allowing anger into the family line, and overall, just walking in deeper closeness with God, being filled with Him and slowly but surely, I truly tapped into His joy and peace and patience and kindness and everything else. I had tried to muster those things up in my own strength and of course, it was short-lived.

More years later and now with two children, there's still a residue of anger. And it's breaking my heart cause I can see how seth now has anger and I remember Jon warning me when I lashed out at him in anger once.  He said, "tami, you reacting in anger gives him permission to react in anger." 

Now some would say what's wrong with anger? How can you not get angry? It's a natural part of human nature. And I'd say yes to all those things, but to live with anger on an on-going basis isn't nice. I can see how it so easily steals peace and joy from my life and it leaves me feeling crappy, then how do people deal with anger? They smoke, drink or have other unhealthy outlets. I understand I'm gonna get angry sometimes but I want my reaction time to get shorter and shorter, I feel like I get too easily angered and it lingers for a while. Jon, Mr. Joy himself, will get angry from time to time, but he's quick to forgive and move on and go back into joy. That's where I wanna be. 

So where I'm at right now is the other day, after getting angry with Seth, it's like I looked in the mirror and saw my angry, full of rage self and was disgusted. I don't wanna live like this for the rest of my life and I gotta take responsibility now for it. I can't keep blaming others for my anger which is always what I believed. That other people cause me to get angry, but actually, it's my choice whether to let what they do or say to anger me or not. I have a choice. I have the power to let either peace or anger reign. And I'm done letting anger have the throne.

I took a stand that day, that I would not let anger have its way with me.  My new mantra as I go through each day is "I will not let anger or impatience in, but will choose joy and peace." That when temptation to get angry creeps up, kicking my will into gear and declaring that I will not give in. And I don't want it to be some cheesy, fake thing where it's just words and not a true deep heart change. But it starts with taking a stand against it and putting my will into it. That's where the missing piece was. I've been going along, not really wanting to really kick the anger thing, I figured I'll just let God do it when He's ready.  But I forgot you need to be willing to change. And as I've prayed about it with God, I feel like He's encouraging me to take this stand and that as I do this, and as I learn to lean on Him for joy and peace, that I will overcome.  I can't do it in my own strength, we can only overcome with and through God.  And there will definitely be times where I'll make the mistake of letting anger in but I strongly feel like it'll become less and less now that I'm taking a stand against it. So we'll see how it goes. Whether it's quitting smoking or quitting some other habit, it takes time, patience, but most of all, our wills behind it to make a change. I'm sure a professional would say that it takes much more but for me that's what it's gonna take so meh!

- tami

Pray without Ceasing

"be joyful always. PRAY CONTINUALLY. give thanks in everything."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I just love God...I'd say the day I really became a Christian and follower of God was when I felt His love for me for the first time. I was in my mid-twenties at this point. A little late for me but I didn't care. I was smitten by how much He was smitten by me and there I went, on a journey of love with Him that hasn't shown any signs of letting up. Our marriage has only gotten more and more glorious. What a guy, haha...

So what does that have to do with the above verse? Last night as I laid my head on my pillow to go to sleep, I had a final chat with my Beloved and He said, "Tami, this. This right here is praying without ceasing." What I asked? He reminded me of this verse in 1 Thessalonians where it talks about praying continually. 

I always had old church ladies pointing down at me, asking me if I was praying continuously like I was supposed to. And I, in fear, nodded my head to appease them. But of course I thought it was a joke. I thought the whole God thing was a joke. I pictured a monk on the top of a mountain in silence, praying without ceasing. I pictured a group of old church ladies belting out their prayers one after another. I pictured my own grandma who never seemed to stop praying for this person or that person. Nope, wasn't quite ready as a teenager for this kind of praying without ceasing.

But now, two decades later and actually in love with God, He's shown me what it really means to not let up in prayer - INTIMACY.  At the heart of prayer is His desire for intimacy with His children. Dialogue with Him, not just a monologue where it's just me talking, but it's constant communication with Him. It could be petitions (which is the above stuff where we're praying ourselves or others), it could be adoring Him with worship while I fold my laundry or it could be me asking Him to forgive me for the way I just treated Seth. Whatever it may be, it's just communicating with Him as I go throughout my day.  And what that does is it keeps my heart connected to Him, He ends up taking first place in my heart and mind - not my bills, problems or worries. 

I'm sure as heck not perfect at this, some days I become so busy that He unfortunately takes 5th place in my heart and I've ceased praying, I've ceased communicating with Him. Sorry honey, too busy today to pay attention to you. And you know what? On those days, I feel it and my husband and children feel it!! I lack the joy, the peace, the rest...I complain, I get discouraged way too easily, I become ungrateful and plain nasty in my heart. Sure I joke around and have fun those days, but at the heart, I've become unsatisfied and worn out. That must be the reason why "pray continually" is sandwiched between being joyful and giving thanks. Because it's our constant connection with God that sustains and holds us in His presence - and it's in His presence where we find joy, peace, contentment and ultimately, fulfillment. 

I mean that brings up so much, cuz as a mom, I can so easily find fulfillment in serving my children or serving others or in just the busyness of life. But I just won't go there, there'd be no end to that one. So God, teach us how to have a relationship with you where we're enjoying you all day long, come and reveal your love to us today so we can enjoy your loving presence all day long!! We need you Holy Spirit, help us know how much we need you to stay connected to our Father and Friend!!

tSl

Root of Love

Recently read a blog by a wonderful person I so admire. This person is known for writing eloquently and poetically, they've been able to reach the multitudes. A recent post, written to the North American Church, was also eloquently written and had some great points but when I finished it, though convicted myself - not convinced it was totally God's heart. And as I asked Holy Spirit what He thought of it, He said this: "fancy thoughts, but no love." Dang.  Fanciful words but lacking what mattered the most - God's love. I wonder what this person would think if they first asked God what He thought about what they were about to publish to multitudes. And I was blown away cause even though I'd felt that deep down inside, I kinda wanted to believe what this person was saying because I admired them so much, I was trying to convince God of their arguments and sufficient truths.

But alas, it wasn't good enough, He didn't seem to care. Why? Cause 1 Corinthians 13:1 describes God's thoughts on such things like this, that "if we can speak the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, we're nothing but a resounding gong or clanging cymbal." I've heard the sound of my son running around clanging pots and bowls and it does nothing but shatter my eardrums and annoy the heck outta me. NOTHING. Without love, our beautiful and eloquent words and songs - as convincing they may be - are nothing in the currency of Heaven. 

So in the end, it reminded me three things. That first of all, I could admire the heck out of someone but I still need to admire God and His thoughts first and foremost cause He's perfect, the way He loves and thinks is perfect and we as humans just aren't. Sucks to be reminded that we're not perfect but it's true! So as much as I admire teachers, encouragers, pastors, etc., what they have to say may not be totally reflecting God's heart and truth. We need to check our hearts when it comes to those we follow, do we put them on pedastools and think that their word is the highest? 

Secondly, when did it become popular to judge the Bride? I call it Bride bashing, people needing to give their 2 cents as to how the church needs to change, what the church is missing, yadayada and c'mon, I've even done it myself! But God clearly reminded me through this post that He doesn't see the Western church, Eastern church, this church or that church, He just sees His beautiful Bride - flawless and beautiful.  Sure she needs some work but we all do and that's why He sent His Spirit - to see us become all we were created to be as His Bride - individually and corporately as a church. So if we see something that needs to change or see something lacking, whatever the case may be, I'm not saying turn a blind eye and neither is God!! Because God's obviously opened your eyes to see something that's missing. But it's what you do with that that makes a difference. If you wanna make a difference that will actually last (change in the spiritual realm not just physical realm), we need to ask Him for what His strategy is. How do we pray? Is there something He wants us to do? And just wait for Him to answer, trust Him to answer cause He cares more about the destiny of His church than we could ever.  But let's just follow the formula of Proverbs 3:5-6. And imagine how much more powerful it would've been if this person could've just shared the awesome stories of what God did in her heart or in the people, shared stories of what she witnessed and allowed the God behind these stories to bring encouragement, strength and if necessary, conviction?? Ah, but isn't it more fun if we do the finger pointing sometimes, don't we feel like that'll take care of things more efficiently! HA! 

And lastly, most of all, it reminded me that if at the ROOT of all eloquent writing and soothing songs is not LOVE, then it has no value in God's eyes. No value in the realm of His Kingdom. And if it has no value in God's eyes, then it won't really make a difference no  matter how flashy it is.  Like an expensive European car - with no engine.  Like a hot air balloon - with no air.  Like a cell phone - with no reception.  We get the point.  It really brings up a deeper question - do we value what God values? Why value what God values? Hmmm...good things to dig deeper in, reading books like Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, the Corinthians and Romans can help answer those questions.

So it was just a gentle reminder that whether it's a sermon, book, whatever, we need to filter it through the Holy Spirit - who is truth and promises to lead us into the truth (John 16). Filtering it through the heart of God, but I guess that's if we first care about what He deems valuable...

tSl