It's the middle of the night, 5:21am to be exact and I've been up since 3:30am, that's two hrs of no sleep. Yup, take that in! Picture yourself in my shoes and just take that in, it's like being in the army and being yanked outta your sleep for an important mission. Only thankfully mine doesn't involve bullets or bombs, but it does require a little dying. Let me es'plain...
...quick rabbit trail -- dying to yourself means having to painfully let go of your entitlements. A professional athlete has to let go of their unhealthy eating habits. Big time surgeons gotta have flexible schedules cause they could get called in at any moment to do some important surgery. But all these letting go of entitlements is for a greater purpose. And as a mother (at least one of little ones), it's no different. Most of our entitlements are thrown out the window: Our entitlement to a comfy 9hrs of sleep. Our entitlement to having the freedom of doing whatever we want, whenever we want. Our entitlement of getting a shower on a daily basis or even getting to take your time to savour a meal. The list goes on and I'm sure other mothers will add their biggest ones. And then we try and control things to make life a little more manageable, but that ends up stressing us out even more when things don't go our way. I have to daily fight anxiety, fear, selfishness, the list is endless. In this process though, I've found a greater way of living and it's cause I'm friends with Jesus, master of the universe and my life, and every area of my life that I've given to Him to be master of. Like motherhood. As I've had to let go of things, I've asked Him to give me joy and peace in the midst of it and He has...and then some. And here's the rest of the story of just one example of how He's done this...and there's tons of stuff outta the BIble that talks about us giving up our lives to receive the abundant life that Jesus has for us. And abundant doesn't mean having everything we want right now, haha, it's just so much more than material things. But it's what the Bible calls sanctification - God stripping us of the things our souls and flesh cling to. Our souls and flesh are meant to be fully satisfied in our relationship with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Just see Isaiah 55:1-3 and Matthew 16:24-26, there's also plenty of great resources available on this subject, just email me if you want further info.
So back to 5:21am. I was trying to put Amayah back to sleep for like the third time since she woke up around 3:30am, arms sore from rocking her like a human swing, I was processing the fact that I was losing so much sleep and starting to get really annoyed at her, "just stay asleep Amayah, arrrgghhh!!!"
Of course she's helpless and has no clue and this congestion is what's really to blame, and what kinda evil mother am I to blame a baby?? But c'mon, you would too!!! So I had a little tantrum to make myself feel better. Didn't last very long.
Then the lyrics to a song played in my head - from Jason upton's song "under the shadow" - "Only in you, I will find my rest..." and it hit me. At that moment I realized I had come to another crossroad of choosing Jesus and what He had for me or choosing what I think I need to make my life better. To choose to find my rest and strength and joy in just Jesus or try and find those things in the sleep I get!! And I realized that's why I've been so frustrated and angry (at Seth or Amayah) is cuz I've been finding those things in the sleep I get instead of my source of those things - Jesus. Then I realized the contentment that zealous martyrs like the apostle Paul or disciple Stephen felt where they were so content in Jesus being literally their everything that what was it to them whether they lived or died? Either way they were in Him!!! To live is Christ, to die is gain.
So I began to rock her being strengthened by the joy of this truth, the joy of dying to myself and my old ways and picking up life in him!! On a practical level, it's like my soul came alive knowing this truth and then my body felt rejuvenated…His truth really does bring abundant life and freedom. And then I asked Jesus how to remain in this joy and felt like he said "thankfulness" so I began to think of all the things I was thankful for in our little girl and joy began to enter my heart! So god, help me to hold onto this truth and joyously did to myself and fully live in you whether it's 3am or 1pm, I just want more of you and thanks for giving us children - granting us this express ticket of dying to ourselves!!
A quick update (about a month later from writing this post): I still have to wake up at times and lose sleep but something's changed in my heart from that night. It's like it just doesn't matter anymore, my focus isn't on how much sleep I'm losing but it's thankfulness, I'm thankful I can serve and bless my little girl any time of day. And in the nights, I just consciously thank God for how He's gonna restore my rest. And He actually does. It's at the point where I don't even keep track anymore, I'm just trusting and thanking God in this area. But don't get me wrong, there's moments of exhaustion and frustration!!
Thanks for taking the time to read my rant, I pray God moves in your life through it! Bless ya,
- tami
